Like the autumn leaves, I lack control over what will happen next, which gust of wind will bring me to the ground or land me amid living art.
I struggle with feeling at ease because the future looks uncertain despite me doing my best to succeed.
Dancing with feelings of loss and failure, I am unsure who is leading and being led.
Neither I like nor want to experience them; all I desire is to eliminate these irksome sensations from my lived experience today, tomorrow and every day after.
My brain wants me to stay unconscious and reactive to emotions that are partially incidental and partially expected.
Yes, I knew setting up a business in the middle of a pandemic was a ballsy move, but no, I did not realise I would feel like I was failing because the company has not been picking up as fast as I needed to.
And today, I did not expect that being rejected as an applicant for a job that I only want to inject some financial stability would make me feel like a failure. Even if it is with the company that defines itself as the leading destination for short-form mobile videos whose mission is to inspire creativity and bring joy. They did not bring me joy.
I am drawn to stay in this space where I am not "living above the line" ( cit. Due Quach - Calm Clarity: How to Use Science to Rewire Your Brain for Greater Wisdom, Fulfilment, and Joy.); it feels more comfortable than to sit and look at where all of this is coming from.
While writing these few short sentences, I have broken off my attention by replying to a text message, checking out shoes, playing with the dog.
Every time I am getting close to a sticky point, I have allowed myself to dip away from staying present and feeling.
I realise I am chasing the immediate reward that moves me from fear-based emotions to rewarding ones.
I am, for short moments, choosing not to control the impulse that tells me to seek something good to disperse the unease I am feeling right now.
Thankfully as I prepared to checkout on a pair of overly expensive boots that looked sooo nice but sooo uncomfortable, I checked back into my reality. Too many expenses and few taking-ins are not a good equation, so I deleted the shopping cart and returned to my writing.
Gaia 1 - Brain 0
"Don't act on a feeling unless you truly understand the source", D. Caruso writes in his book A Leader's Guide to Solving Challenges with Emotional Intelligence.
So I am sitting here and listening to serotonin inducing music; as I write, I am trying to connect to that place within where I can be, feel, and look at where my emotions are coming from and integrate them with my thoughts and then act.
Every day I practice observing my own thoughts, to own what those thoughts drive me to do, and as a consequence, to enable myself not to live as victims of my thoughts, beliefs and values and emotions but as masters of myself.
In the end, neither thoughts nor emotions are permanent. They tend to be connected to what is bothering me today, and while they are passing through, they deserve a safe space. A conscious space within where I can observe them and learn without a reaction that weakens me.
Success or failure, stability or uncertainty are equally impermanent, and today, I will not judge myself for seeking one or fearing the other.
Today I simply sit and learn.